Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
