Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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