hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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