I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
