he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
