so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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