My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
