If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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