So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
