I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
