I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
