I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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