I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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