If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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