I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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