I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
