based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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