Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Randomize
