Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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