I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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