I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize