I just saw a hot homeless man
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
