Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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