i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
