i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
