He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
