i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
