i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
