I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
