why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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