The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
