i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
