also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
