Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize