I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
