Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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