Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Congratulations! We have a period
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
