Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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