im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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