So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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