I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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