She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
