we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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