if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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