Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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