I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
