god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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