he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
