Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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