she woke up with a sticky ear
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
