i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize