I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
