you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Im part way to drunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
